Nature vs. What the Hell it is I'm Doing
When I was a teenager, I came up with a concept that I'm sure has been considered before. It relies on some kind of spiritual belief, which is usually not my thing, but I kind of like the idea in a literary way. That before we are born, we are given choices about ourselves - difficult ones, somewhat akin to those nasty little question books that were popular 10 years ago. Like, would you rather be very short but have an astounding intellect? Would you rather be born to abusive parents but have an inventive mind that could lead you to success? Would you rather be born with a simple mind but have a satisfying life filled with love?
Partially from being a parent, part from being older, I know that idea is b.s. Some of the things we are are uncontrollable - like who your parents are. Some of the things we are take shape because of the circumstances of our birth. Would the abused child become inventive if he weren't trying to escape? Would people have treated the simple child more harshly if he were not?
But I find comfort sometimes in this idea that somewhere, sometime, all this was planned. I am simply following a path. I can relax, because I wanted it this way.
Which is true. Every decision I have made has led me here. It's just that sometimes, my life is just exhausting. I forget things. I make mistakes. I go in the wrong direction. There are days I don't want to make one fucking decision.
When did everything start having such weight? When I started thinking that, in a way, I'm the determiner of Noah's life. The rules he lives by, the behavior limits I set, the discipline I give, the rewards I give, the activities I encourage him to do, the movies he sees...everything influences him. Will he be smart? Will he be sporty? Will he be rebellious? Will he be successful? I have to tell myself not to put so much significance on day to day life. It could drive a person crazy, and it would certainly drive Noah crazy.
Last week was focused on Mother's Day at the daycare, and the kids did projects related to the "women who love them". Nowadays, it's not always the mother who is the significant female, and I'm glad their activity was so inclusive. Well, Noah drew this amazing picture of me - complete with hair that looks like I just stuck my finger in a light socket, which I guess says something about my hair. It says, "My auntie gives me hugs a lot."
And at the end of the day - the long hard day busting my ass trying to make a good life for us, to be a good person and to help him to become a good person - I'm glad that my love, more than anything else, is what he thinks of when he thinks of me.
Partially from being a parent, part from being older, I know that idea is b.s. Some of the things we are are uncontrollable - like who your parents are. Some of the things we are take shape because of the circumstances of our birth. Would the abused child become inventive if he weren't trying to escape? Would people have treated the simple child more harshly if he were not?
But I find comfort sometimes in this idea that somewhere, sometime, all this was planned. I am simply following a path. I can relax, because I wanted it this way.
Which is true. Every decision I have made has led me here. It's just that sometimes, my life is just exhausting. I forget things. I make mistakes. I go in the wrong direction. There are days I don't want to make one fucking decision.
When did everything start having such weight? When I started thinking that, in a way, I'm the determiner of Noah's life. The rules he lives by, the behavior limits I set, the discipline I give, the rewards I give, the activities I encourage him to do, the movies he sees...everything influences him. Will he be smart? Will he be sporty? Will he be rebellious? Will he be successful? I have to tell myself not to put so much significance on day to day life. It could drive a person crazy, and it would certainly drive Noah crazy.
Last week was focused on Mother's Day at the daycare, and the kids did projects related to the "women who love them". Nowadays, it's not always the mother who is the significant female, and I'm glad their activity was so inclusive. Well, Noah drew this amazing picture of me - complete with hair that looks like I just stuck my finger in a light socket, which I guess says something about my hair. It says, "My auntie gives me hugs a lot."
And at the end of the day - the long hard day busting my ass trying to make a good life for us, to be a good person and to help him to become a good person - I'm glad that my love, more than anything else, is what he thinks of when he thinks of me.
posted by Auntie Mom @ 8:44 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home